Tuesday, 31 March 2026

 THE DEPARTMENT OF NOT OUR PROBLEM All the news that isn't anyone's responsibility

AREA POTHOLE ENTERS THIRD YEAR OF DISTINGUISHED PUBLIC SERVICE, RECEIVES NO FORMAL RECOGNITION

Local infrastructure feature described as "basically part of the community now" as responsible parties confirm matter is under review, being monitored, and absolutely not their fault

BELFAST, 31 March 2026 — A pothole, understood to have first opened in late 2022 following what meteorological records confirm was rain — a rare and unforeseeable event in North Ireland — has this week marked another quiet milestone, continuing to exist despite the combined awareness of local councillors, two separate roads departments, and a residents' group whose emails have been described by insiders as "received."

The pothole, which began life as a modest surface irregularity and has since developed into what one local described as "its own postcode," sits at a location that multiple authorities have confirmed is either the responsibility of the council, the roads service, a legacy body from a previous administrative reorganisation, or possibly the EU (remember them), depending on who you ask and whether they have had their lunch.

"We are aware of the issue," said a spokesperson for an organisation that has been aware of the issue for considerably longer than the issue has been comfortable with.

A BRIEF HISTORY

Late 2022: Pothole forms. A passing motorist reports it via the official online portal, receiving an automated acknowledgement and a reference number that will never be mentioned again.

Early 2023: A second motorist reports the pothole, unaware that it has already been reported. It now has two reference numbers, which is two more than it has had repairs.

Spring 2023: A local councillor is photographed standing next to the pothole. The photograph appears in a local newspaper under the headline "Something Must Be Done." Nothing is done.

Summer 2023: Another local councillor is photographed standing next to the pothole. The photograph appears in a local newspaper under the headline "Maybe Something Must Be Done." Nothing is done.

Summer 2023: The pothole is filled, partially, with a substance that lasts eleven days before the next rainfall, which occurs the following morning, because this is North Ireland.

Autumn 2023: The pothole returns, larger, and some observers feel, angrier.

Autumn 2023: Another local councillor is photographed standing well back form the pothole. The photograph appears in a local newspaper under the headline "Danger We Must Do Something." Nothing is done.

2024: A resident submits a Freedom of Information request to establish who is responsible for the pothole. The response arrives four months later, identifies three possible responsible bodies, and suggests the resident contact each of them directly.

Early 2025: The resident contacts each of them directly. Two do not respond. One sends a generic acknowledgement.

Late 2025: The pothole is now being used as a landmark. "Turn left at the crater, you can't miss it."

March 2026: This article is published. The pothole is unavailable for comment but is understood to have no plans to leave.

THE INFRASTRUCTURE IN NUMBERS

  • 1 pothole, originally
  • 3 departments with plausible responsibility
  • too many Councillors photographs with zero responsibility
  • 0 departments with confirmed responsibility
  • 4 reports submitted via official channels
  • 4 automated acknowledgements received
  • 1 partial repair, lasting 11 days
  • 2 more unknown councillors photographed in the vicinity
  • 0 councillors photographed repairing it
  • ∞ days it has been "under review"

EXPERT ANALYSIS

Road surface engineers consulted by the Department confirmed that potholes of this nature are typically caused by water ingress, freeze-thaw cycles, and heavy traffic — all three of which are well-documented features of the North Irish climate and road network, and therefore could not reasonably have been anticipated by anyone. Except this road sees an odd tractor or pheasant.

"The road was not designed to experience weather," one source did not say, but might as well have.

THE BROADER PICTURE

The Department wishes to note that the pothole in question is not alone. It is part of a rich and diverse ecosystem of unaddressed road surface events spread across the country, each with its own reference number, its own ignored report, and its own small but dedicated community of people who have stopped expecting anything to happen and have simply begun driving around them with the quiet resignation of a people who have learned not to want too much from their roads.

In this sense, the pothole is not merely a hole in a road.

It is a philosophy.

RIGHT OF REPLY

The Department extended an invitation to comment to the relevant roads authority, the local council, the Department for Infrastructure, and the office of the relevant elected representative.

At time of publication, we had received one out of office reply, one automated acknowledgement, and a profound silence that spoke, frankly, for itself.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

Nothing, in all likelihood. Though we will report on it when it doesn't.

— Ends —

The Department of Not Our Problem covers all matters that fall between the cracks — much like rainwater into an unrepaired road surface, accelerating the very damage that no one is responsible for.

Last edition: Utility companies and the bold new frontier of them not knowing whether you've paid your bill.

I'm particularly fond of "The pothole is not merely a hole in a road. It is a philosophy." and the infrastructure numbers table - feck sake, maybe down the road - if we don't hit a pothole ;-)


 

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